Just One Day

Fear thou not; for I am with thee:

be not dismayed; for I am thy God:

I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee;

yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness.

Isaiah 41: 10

Hope can seem elusive
When the Evil One draws near
He'd have us focus far ahead
On all that we might fear.

For the future seems uncertain
When looked at from today
Each dream that we might hope for
Could go wrong in every way.

Thus he would entrap our minds
Held fast by fear's intent
That we might re-direct our lives
And, thus, our dreams prevent.

But the Lord gave us the answer
Spoken long ago
That shows how to hold onto
The dreams our hearts still know.

He said, "Take one day at a time
Don't borrow future fears
There's work enough to do right now
Don't waste those precious tears.

"Satan would have you think I can't
Do all I said I would -
I promised I would do the rest
Once you've done all you could.

"So don't worry about tomorrow
We'll get there as we will
There's no need to leap mountains
Just work on this day's hill.

"And as you walk on, day by day,
Though far your dreams appear
Have faith in me, walk by my side,
And soon all will be clear.

"Do not fear the Dark One
I'll show the way that's true
You see, I was here long ago -
I walked it once for you.

"So let the future wait for us
We'll get there as we may
For now there's just one moment
For now there's just one day."

(written 1/3/06)

Matt 6:34 ; 3 Nephi 13:34

I still find myself needing to remember this at times.

In Matthew 6:34 it states ,"Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof."

Sometimes we get so caught up in everything we're trying to work out just right, or anticipating any potential problem to avoid negative attention, or focusing on the magnitude of the mountain ahead of us that we can get paralyzed with the stress of it all. This scripture shows that today, now is what we need to concern ourselves with. It is well to plan and prepare, but don't waste the now on the future. We have enough things to care about today without adding tomorrow's burdens on top of it. Even better is the 3 Nephi version where it ends, "sufficient is the day unto the evil thereof." Now, not only can we stay focused, we also have the assurances that we'll be able to handle it even if it's just a day at a time

De-stressing and Refreshing the Hope Banks

Between health difficulties and the stress of trying to imagine how to actually manage the upcoming move when I'm doing good to concentrate enough to make a to-do list, let alone remember to work on it, I've been battling discouragement off and on over the past month. General Conference last weekend did much to lift my spirits, but facing a doctor that has apparently never thought to look for more information about my particular health problems kind of put another damper on them. Since my health problems are rather sensitive to stress, when it builds up to these levels, I have to focus on getting them to drop quickly or I'll be facing worse 'crashes' as time goes on. (It has to do with the system that manages autonomic functioning in the body, including the adrenal glands - the more stress, the more likely it'll trigger another function to falter.) It is, therefore, not surprising that upon waking this morning, my attention has been on how to refocus and refresh the 'hope' banks.

While I may not be able to do all that I used to do before the H1N1 vaccine skewed my body's regulator, even accomplishing a few small things is enough to help dispel the hated 'trapped/stuck' feeling. Remembering that my life is my own and I can act and make choices and have a say in where and how it goes is crucial to a sense of well-being. The hardest times of the past were when there was no sense of freedom, no autonomy from the demands of others and no sustaining connections to other humans who actually cared and wanted to be involved in my life because of me rather than because of how it would reflect upon themselves. Being able to say, 'No, I don't like that; I don't want that,' or, 'Yes! I am doing this even if it seems weird to someone else,' allows a person to retain and remember their identity and individuality. It is quite good for the health. Knowing people who sincerely care and love you and who are willing to talk even if it's just for random talking has also proven very helpful in lifting my spirits.

If you've paid any attention to my previous blog-posts, you know that stories are my passion! If I've had a PTSD trigger (yes, I'm admitting it here as one of my trials in life - read the Moriarty post and you'll have a good insight on how some of that came about...) talking about the story(ies) I am or just have consumed is the quickest distraction to help me out of the bad place. Right now, I'm debating between a Danny Kaye movie (laughter is the best medicine, after all) and watching The Avengers again. (It's been a month or so since last time...)

Meditation may or may not prove helpful for me. If the stress is too high, I'll just get caught in a down-spiral. Boyd K. Packer said that sometimes we need to pray and then get up and go about our lives - that extended time 'on our knees', as it were, won't always grant us the answers we are asking for. Rather, pray in faith and go forth with faith and the answer will come in God's own time and God's own way. So long as we are willing to accept the answer that comes, we will recognize that He does answer. This ties in with a pattern I noticed in the scriptures some years back.

Throughout the Book of Mormon and Doctrine and Covenants, I kept noticing reference to 'prayers of faith'. Truly, praying, asking for help from anyone, really, requires a confidence that help is even available. But then I also began noticing the phrase 'faith in their prayers'. It shows up most distinctly in D&C 10: 47-52 where the Lord speaks of the prayers of those who wrote the Book of Mormon and their confidence that their efforts would have value for the future generations. There was nothing to indicate the records would even survive after they died, yet they acted in faith, kept the records, and prayed in faith, believing their prayers meant something to God. In D&C 10, He shows us that even that secondary faith has value.

I suppose that could translate into my efforts to finish my education after I got sick. Granted, I've been of the idea that the doctors will someday get a clue and I'll be able to function at least as well as I did before getting sick (there are plenty of clues I've had the dysautonomia since being a child but that my body was able to mostly compensate in functioning). As time has passed, however, one could wonder why it was so important for me to fight the sickness and finish my last semester at the university if I'm often left in such a low level of functioning that it doesn't appear to hold much economic value. Is not paying and striving for an education an 'act of faith'? Now, I'm the stubborn type who is trying to find ways to move on even when it's so *growling* difficult to move, so I look at the education as a victory in itself. But you see how the apparent lack of point, value, effect of the endeavor could be a frustration? I readily admit that another recent topic on my mind is sorting itself out in these terms as I type. (I don't actually share everything in my blog - deal with it. ;) )

Getting a fresh perspective, or as we Mormons like to say, 'an eternal perspective', on things often helps whatever feelings of lack or failure or disappointment fade to the background. Often, things take far longer to completely resolve, but when they aren't overwhelming out attention, we are far better able to handle life as it comes. Since I spent so many years feeling trapped, it is logical that I respond the quickest to the things that helped me escape those situations - action and stories. I am a person of faith and it has served me just as well, so I must remember to bring my perspective into balance with the eternal perspective by using the patterns taught by the scriptures and by church leaders. Another might find their relief in running. Or painting. Or yoga. Or cooking. Or working on a car. Or journaling. The point is simply that if we pay attention to our personal patterns of stress and relief, we can actively pursue restored balance. And I much prefer living with a hopeful outlook on life. :)

Biggest Fears

The years just before and after my mom died were the most stressful and difficult in my life. It often got to the point where I would stay out talking after stake institute classes (one-night-a-week church study classes for college-age students - for any non-Mormon readers) for hours with anyone who would stay with me because it was the closest I could get to actually relaxing. One guy in the single's group would stay out talking with me the longest each week. I confess that I was oblivious, due to already stated stress levels, to any deeper intentions on his end. I was just grateful for an excuse not to go home where the tension needed something much more heavy-duty than a mere knife...

One night, we got talking about facing the hard things in life and he said that he believes we will all ultimately have to face our biggest fears. He supported it by listing a couple big ones he'd already lived through. He then said that having done so, he did not find many things worth fearing anymore. While there were a number of things about this guy that I could not agree with, I have often reflected on this insight of his and find it valid in my own life.

In seminary (similar week-day classes for high-school age students) we had a get-to-know you activity at the beginning of one semester. As part of it, we were to give our greatest fear. It wasn't long for me to land on what was mine and so I waited patiently, listening as the question was answered around the room. There were plenty of spiders for girls (and even a guy or two). I think someone said they were afraid of a family member dying. Dying, themselves. Public speaking. Common things that aren't surprising. When it came to be my turn, I stood and said simply, "My greatest fear is that no-one will care about me." One of my classmates had a look of horror on his face at the thought of having no-one care about him. I guess people with good family relations and friends don't think of such things.

I think of the years after that where I would go to my classes, work, church, and manage everything for home and there are periods of time, sometimes months on end, where that 'fear' was reality. I'm sure some of you are thinking, 'Of course people cared about you. You probably just didn't realize it.' I would ask you if there is no evidence of the caring, such that the person is left looking at the world and their burdens alone, how does that 'caring' = caring? Much like the idea that 'faith without works is dead', a 'feeling' stated but not acted upon makes it an empty word. Does a player (male or female) who tells everyone they date 'I love you' actually love those they say it to? Or is it just a tool of manipulation with no intrinsic value? Or if it still has a seed of value, is that seed given enough nourishment to grow to anything sustainable?

I have faced finding my mother dead. I faced financial difficulties. I have faced some pretty difficult health problems. I have faced betrayal, rejection, and scorn. And I have faced the devastating effects that decades of abuse leaves behind. I considered the parking-lot friend's words valid when he spoke them, but I have come to recognize their truth through continuing experience.

Why can I say that? I can because each time a person faces something so much bigger than them and refuses to be defeated they come to realize they were not so small to begin with. Because even when something is more than you can handle yourself, there are the few you can go to for a breather of help. You just have to be willing to look, to ask. I suppose my church membership may be seen as an advantage that others do not have, but I will tell you now - if you need help, look up the local bishop and give him a call. You don't have to be a member, you don't have to listen to missionary discussions. We are here to help anyone in need.

And in those instances where the people around you really just can't understand, consider that God does and that He's there to help you. For any atheist readers, consider that we are all part of the human race and as members in the same race, the same respect we can see applying to others we can apply to ourselves. We are worth fighting through the hard times even if it seems no one else thinks so. Think on how many have suffered such great things and pulled out the brighter and the stronger for it! Every one of us can do the same.

I have faced a lot. Some I had thought to fear and some that had not occurred to me to fear before they appeared. Ultimately, I have found that fear is not a very helpful emotion. It is a human emotion, though, and I tend to be most vulnerable to it when I am particularly stressed or tired. Despite the way my dad viewed them, emotions are not bad or the evidence of a weak person. Having survived so many things already, I have come to realize that each 'crises'  is really just the next puzzle, adventure, dilemma, challenge to overcome. It may not be easy, and it may stretch me farther than I imagined possible, but we humans are resilient creatures. And I know I can do it as I have already done so before. So really, what is there to fear?