I was almost nineteen before I started comprehending that the hardness and distress and fear and so many more things I'd been experiencing were because I was raised with abuse. It has taken many years to sort out what was happening and why and I'm still finding the meanings behind previously unrecognized clues. It took years before I was able to cut contact with the main abuser. A year later I tried blogging about it as a form of 'writing therapy' by way of voicing and processing what little I understood. I stopped after a few months when I realized it wasn't helping. I later realized it was because I did not have enough information and that the wounds were still too raw to be ready to patch together. I also learned that cyber-stalking had brought the blog to the attention of the home I'd had to flee.
I was made to clearly understand that letting anyone know that I had any difficulty with the way things functioned was forbidden as it would lead others to think poorly of my abusers. But this is the common isolation tactic that lets the abusers hide in the dark. And because abuse victims are often so confused by shaming, the conflict between 'loved relation' verses 'abuser', and the historical 'mind your own business'/'don't spread dirty laundry'/'protect the family name' mentality - the subject is kept in the dark so much that outsiders often can't even comprehend it if they haven't experienced it themselves.
This should not be. I will not be cowed by a pathetic, manipulative, narcissistic abuser. The patterns and experiences should be made known and shared so that it will be recognized and stopped when it appears. And so I have been writing about it. Some see it as simply the bitter outpourings of a discontent daughter. No. If the reader tastes bitterness, then perhaps the message is getting through, for abuse is bitter. It reads through so clearly not because I am as traumatized and wounded as when still there, but because I happen to be so empathetic that I end up 'mourning' with my past self. As I hope you will mourn with all who experience abuse; and then counter abuse when you recognize it.
A Timeline of Lessons (2012) - this is a shorthand of abuse moments only my abuser will easily recognize, though sections are explained in other posts.
Delusion or the Devil - also a post that needs first hand knowledge to easily follow. Generally, however, 'the he' is my abuser, and 'the kid' is a guy who claimed he was a friend. 'He' refers to God/Christ. It is about the final year before cutting ties and the idea symbolized by the kid that gave me the necessary strength to do so.
Mirrors - insights that provided one of many steps in understanding and therefore healing.
The Devil in my Mind: Moriarty and Master Manipulators - insights on manipulation and manipulators.
Crumbs From the Master's Table - abuse isolates, even when 'part of a family' because the abuse proves you are not actually part. The images are metaphors that include high school onward and show the additional difficulty caused when others don't recognize what's happening and hold the emotional effects against the abused.
Finding Mom, November 2, 2004 (written 2008) - as I could not seem to do everything perfectly as demanded, I shifted my identity into the idea that even if I failed at everything else, at least I was taking care of Mom, This meant that her death created another identity crisis. And left even more confused feelings since she was part participant in the abuse. I later understood that this was because she did not understand, was afraid to understand, the abuse directed at her.
Biggest Fears - finding the strength to leave often requires the abused to face some of the biggest fears they have. But it is possible to face them and survive them and ultimately realize the wonderful strength that brings: if I could face that - I can face anything!
Thoughts on Escaping an Abusive Environment, Part 1 - showing that abuse does not have to be physical or sexual. Emotional, psychological abuse can actually cause even deeper and long-lasting scars, yet is usually only mentioned by name if mentioned at all.
Thoughts on Escaping an Abusive Environment, Part 2 - steps necessary and important to extricating the abused from the abusive environment as observed through personal experience and observation.
Post-Traumatic Allergies and Landmines - perhaps the most confusing to some is that I ended up with PTSD from the abuse. There have been added difficulties when that reality is not understood and condemned. This post is my frustrated attempt to try to make it accessible to those who don't know.
De-stressing and Refreshing the Hope Banks - keeping stress low is important to PTSD. The more stress, the more triggers patterning the traumatizing past, the more the body and spirit shut down.
Families (with Writings from 2011) - the one I was born to may have been broken, but I am free to correct those problems whenever time comes to start my own.
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