De-stressing and Refreshing the Hope Banks

Between health difficulties and the stress of trying to imagine how to actually manage the upcoming move when I'm doing good to concentrate enough to make a to-do list, let alone remember to work on it, I've been battling discouragement off and on over the past month. General Conference last weekend did much to lift my spirits, but facing a doctor that has apparently never thought to look for more information about my particular health problems kind of put another damper on them. Since my health problems are rather sensitive to stress, when it builds up to these levels, I have to focus on getting them to drop quickly or I'll be facing worse 'crashes' as time goes on. (It has to do with the system that manages autonomic functioning in the body, including the adrenal glands - the more stress, the more likely it'll trigger another function to falter.) It is, therefore, not surprising that upon waking this morning, my attention has been on how to refocus and refresh the 'hope' banks.

While I may not be able to do all that I used to do before the H1N1 vaccine skewed my body's regulator, even accomplishing a few small things is enough to help dispel the hated 'trapped/stuck' feeling. Remembering that my life is my own and I can act and make choices and have a say in where and how it goes is crucial to a sense of well-being. The hardest times of the past were when there was no sense of freedom, no autonomy from the demands of others and no sustaining connections to other humans who actually cared and wanted to be involved in my life because of me rather than because of how it would reflect upon themselves. Being able to say, 'No, I don't like that; I don't want that,' or, 'Yes! I am doing this even if it seems weird to someone else,' allows a person to retain and remember their identity and individuality. It is quite good for the health. Knowing people who sincerely care and love you and who are willing to talk even if it's just for random talking has also proven very helpful in lifting my spirits.

If you've paid any attention to my previous blog-posts, you know that stories are my passion! If I've had a PTSD trigger (yes, I'm admitting it here as one of my trials in life - read the Moriarty post and you'll have a good insight on how some of that came about...) talking about the story(ies) I am or just have consumed is the quickest distraction to help me out of the bad place. Right now, I'm debating between a Danny Kaye movie (laughter is the best medicine, after all) and watching The Avengers again. (It's been a month or so since last time...)

Meditation may or may not prove helpful for me. If the stress is too high, I'll just get caught in a down-spiral. Boyd K. Packer said that sometimes we need to pray and then get up and go about our lives - that extended time 'on our knees', as it were, won't always grant us the answers we are asking for. Rather, pray in faith and go forth with faith and the answer will come in God's own time and God's own way. So long as we are willing to accept the answer that comes, we will recognize that He does answer. This ties in with a pattern I noticed in the scriptures some years back.

Throughout the Book of Mormon and Doctrine and Covenants, I kept noticing reference to 'prayers of faith'. Truly, praying, asking for help from anyone, really, requires a confidence that help is even available. But then I also began noticing the phrase 'faith in their prayers'. It shows up most distinctly in D&C 10: 47-52 where the Lord speaks of the prayers of those who wrote the Book of Mormon and their confidence that their efforts would have value for the future generations. There was nothing to indicate the records would even survive after they died, yet they acted in faith, kept the records, and prayed in faith, believing their prayers meant something to God. In D&C 10, He shows us that even that secondary faith has value.

I suppose that could translate into my efforts to finish my education after I got sick. Granted, I've been of the idea that the doctors will someday get a clue and I'll be able to function at least as well as I did before getting sick (there are plenty of clues I've had the dysautonomia since being a child but that my body was able to mostly compensate in functioning). As time has passed, however, one could wonder why it was so important for me to fight the sickness and finish my last semester at the university if I'm often left in such a low level of functioning that it doesn't appear to hold much economic value. Is not paying and striving for an education an 'act of faith'? Now, I'm the stubborn type who is trying to find ways to move on even when it's so *growling* difficult to move, so I look at the education as a victory in itself. But you see how the apparent lack of point, value, effect of the endeavor could be a frustration? I readily admit that another recent topic on my mind is sorting itself out in these terms as I type. (I don't actually share everything in my blog - deal with it. ;) )

Getting a fresh perspective, or as we Mormons like to say, 'an eternal perspective', on things often helps whatever feelings of lack or failure or disappointment fade to the background. Often, things take far longer to completely resolve, but when they aren't overwhelming out attention, we are far better able to handle life as it comes. Since I spent so many years feeling trapped, it is logical that I respond the quickest to the things that helped me escape those situations - action and stories. I am a person of faith and it has served me just as well, so I must remember to bring my perspective into balance with the eternal perspective by using the patterns taught by the scriptures and by church leaders. Another might find their relief in running. Or painting. Or yoga. Or cooking. Or working on a car. Or journaling. The point is simply that if we pay attention to our personal patterns of stress and relief, we can actively pursue restored balance. And I much prefer living with a hopeful outlook on life. :)

Pray for Peace, People Everywhere!

So today is a day of prayer and even fasting (by those who are medically able) as called by the new Pope Francis. I'll readily admit my understanding of Catholicism is limited. (The most my mom told me about her time in Catholic school was that they served cinnamon and sugar on the rice at lunch time - a tradition that she carried through for us...) I know small bits from some history classes and historical fictions I have read and my strongest visual images of the Vatican come from The Scarlet and The Black and Angels and Demons. (So disappointed in the end! Especially after the build-up right before!)

That really is beside the point, however, when it comes to uniting hearts in prayer around the world in a call for peace. While most religious people feel their religion has the ultimate truth, one of the best lessons I had in 10th grade World Civ was that if God is God of all and a loving God of all, then whether the child is of the 'right' religion or not, can we really think He'd only hear the sincere prayers of said 'right' religion? (Yes, it was at school, but I'm not telling you the teacher's name so you can't sue him - it was a good lesson worth teaching.)

I have always been that person who gets excited for Christmas by the time summer has hit its swing. You know the one - you all groan as soon as you hear someone's already listening to Christmas music and state quite strongly that it shouldn't be brought out until AFTER Thanksgiving, and preferably not even until December 1st. I learned at a young age that I cannot safely speak for others in a large range of topics as I tend to come from the flip side of the coin, so I won't try to here. I will say that the reason I have such a strong love for Christmas was that where my home was one of anxiety and fear and stress, the Christmas season was the constant counter to those feelings. When the world in general opens their hearts to goodness, kindness, charity, love, and peace, God is able to pour out His spirit in greater abundance and it is felt in the true Christmas spirit. Since it came from the outside, it was strong enough to counter, for those couple of months, the harder things of home.

I've long wished for those feelings of peace and hope and love and light to be there all year round and have even been confused at why that doesn't happen. I came to realize that people tend to be more preoccupied with their own lives during the rest of the year which is why it tends to only show up on the big occasions when people are united. There is great power in unity and that unity should be able to transcend the separating boundaries of different denominations.

I'm remembering the months after 9/11 when we were all still in so much shock and wondering if it would mean war, if it should mean war. I remember waiting to see what the position of the church would be and the sense of peace when President Hinckley said that while we do not recommend war, we will accept the country's call to fight if it decides to as our due diligence to the nation which is our home. Looking back, I think most of us have a sense that it might well have been better if some of the courses taken had been left alone, and I think this is why so many are uncomfortable with the thought of going into Syria with guns blazing. At the same time, there is also something of a WWII/Holocaust echo and the wondering of when it is right to step in to protect those who are being hurt. It is a sticky situation and I do not know the answer.

But I can pray for peace. I can pray that God's/Allah's/Jehovah/s spirit is with all involved insofar as they will allow it to be so that peace can be restored to that battered land. I can pray that there will be enough donations from around the world to help those who have lost everything in the conflict. I can pray that we will be more aware of our neighbors and better able to give assistance even before it comes to crisis. (This civil war has been going on for over a year-and-a-half, yet when I first mentioned it to a friend in spring of last year, she had no awareness of it.) I can pray that we can find strength and stability in our own lives and spheres such that we will be in a position to offer needed assistance. And I can pray that we will let the commercialism and politics of life be a simple side-note to the things that really matter, no matter what the time of year: Charity, patience, peace, kindness, hope, faith, healing, tolerance from all parties, unity.

Finally, I conclude with a paragraph about the writers of the Christmas song, "Do You Hear What I Hear?", from wikipedia (I tried to go to the original source, but the LATimes wanted me to pay for an account to view the archives...)

Regney was inspired to write the lyrics "Said the night wind to the little lamb, 'Do you see what I see?' " and "Pray for peace, people everywhere," after watching babies being pushed in strollers on the sidewalks of New York City.^[1] Shayne stated in an interview years later that neither could personally perform the entire song at the time they wrote it because of the emotions surrounding the Cuban Missile Crisis.^[1] "Our little song broke us up. You must realize there was a threat of nuclear war at the time."^[1]

 And the lyrics to the song:

Said the night wind to the little lamb,
Do you see what I see?
Way up in the sky, little lamb,
Do you see what I see?
A star, a star, dancing in the night
With a tail as big as a kite,
With a tail as big as a kite.

Said the little lamb to the shepherd boy,
Do you hear what I hear?
Ringing through the night, shepherd boy,
Do you hear what I hear?
A song, a song, high above the trees
With a voice as big as the sea,
With a voice as big as the sea. 

Said the shepherd boy to the mighty king
Do you know what I know?
In your palace warm, mighty king
Do you know what I know?
A child, a child, shivers in the cold
Let us bring him silver and gold
Let us bring him silver and gold. 

Said the king to the people everywhere,
Listen to what I say
Pray for peace, people everywhere,
Listen to what I say
A child, a child, sleeping in the night
He will bring us goodness and light
He will bring us goodness and light.