Thoughts on Escaping an Abusive Environment, Part 1

A couple weeks ago I had a conversation on twitter with a local newspaper. They have been running a series on signs of domestic abuse and how to help youth beware. I responded that I wished the issues of emotional and psychological abuse were included because, while they may be mentioned, they are never talked about in terms such that the public actually grasps the equally damaging and dangerous reality. There are many similarities to physical forms of violence often not recognized because the differences are rarely accepted.

That probably sounds absurd. This is a common reaction when this subject is dared to be discussed.

I have recently discovered the ion TV channel and found I quite enjoy the Criminal Minds show. One of the episodes last week (too new to the show on reruns to be able to tell you which one by season and name) was about a woman who killed her husband. The prosecutor asked the behavior analyst people to come in and prove competency for facing full charges because she intended to argue against the 'battered woman' defense plea. As the show progresses, certain details come to light.

The woman is despised by her children who adore their father. 'If anyone has been victimized, it was him - he was always patient with her. She's just a lazy, hateful, dirty, stupid woman.' The problem is, when they examined the crime scene, the house was so beyond spotless that everything was (and had been) measured to perfection by a ruler. The son condemned her for never attending his games. She confessed that she was such a failure, she didn't want to embarrass him in public as well. The final piece of info that changed the prosecutor's mind? (Remember, it's a 45 minute show so highly simplified.) They asked her to tell of the events after the murder. Did she call 911 immediately? No. Why? She had to clean up. To hide the evidence? No. Her husband would have been furious with her if she'd had people over with such a mess about.

Don't get me wrong. I am in no way endorsing such a 'solution' for escaping an abusive environment. I am, however, hoping to show that while physical/sexual abuse is obviously horrible, abuse of the mind and spirit is equally hideous and even more insidious because it enslaves the victims into non-being right under everyone's noses. It makes the victims chain themselves because the abuser has so distorted the victim's understanding of reality that they accept the abuser's right to dictate all 'truth'.

Society lets them because the means used are, in moderation, considered acceptable interactions. 'Teasing' when no other form of communication or validation beyond belittling, condemning, criticizing, railing, etc... becomes no longer playful but a cover to hide behind so they can express exactly what was intended with an 'out' so the abuser can't be condemned for being so cruel. 'Can't you take a joke?!' I can't even remember all the times I tried telling people the latest sting/cut/wound and they'd blow it off because 'we say things like that, too - what's your problem?' It confused me and reinforced the idea that I was alone and had nowhere to go.

It was years before I perceived that the people who dismissed me did so because the context was vastly different. They couldn't conceive that a person in a 'family culture' could actually be in a situation where they ONLY heard condemnation. Where 'I love you' was an empty band-aid meant to convince everyone that nothing is actually wrong, be it self or other, private or public. That the same man who 'apparently' (I never witnessed it) boasted about his daughter in public never once told her to her face that she had accomplished anything worthy of affection or pride but instead demanded the world and condemned her for not including the solar system as well.

My dad knew he couldn't get away with physically hurting me. I would know that was wrong and there would be evidence to prove it. Instead, the man who insisted he was smarter than anyone we'd ever meet, used words and contrivances to manipulate and break down. That will sound an excessive claim to those who have not experienced it themselves. It is true non-the-less. He admitted it himself in one of his last middle-of-the-night four-hour-long lecture/threat sessions. "I learned long ago that I need to break you into tears and then I can make you do what I want." Shortly followed by his admission that my ability to later choose my own choices after time had passed frustrated him to no end. I know what I'm talking about.

I don't mean to detail my own experiences here. I've touched on them in various forms in various blogs past. I've spent over a decade trying to understand what happened at home. Over time, I came across information that my dad's abuse was not so circumspect against my mom. I've also seen what his actions have meant for more than one sister who has found herself in a subsequent abusive relationship (physically and sexually). I have been highly aware of other stories (case-studies, in my mind, are what all stories are) to watch and learn and better understand what happens and why. So when the journalist said another follow-up article on how to escape abuse might be considered, I began to take notes. Even if they don't run such an article, I will write of it anyway: this needs to be talked about.

A Timeline of Lessons (2012)

Re-posted from a closed blog.

(I came across this while looking through a folder. I have left it as is and thought it worth sharing even though I had considered this blog closed. I think it shows an insight into what it is to be raised in an abusive home and can only hope the reader will pause to consider their own situations for what good it might lead to. Non-physical abuse is very insidious - it doesn't leave blatant marks, but it marks just the same. Please guard your own actions from doing that to anyone, yourself included. And if you realize there are parallels in the life of someone you know, please be there to lift, help, support them through, and if possible away from, the nightmare. Just as I always wished someone would do for me.)

  

When I was youngest, you taught me that no matter how hard I tried to be good, I'd have to try harder than everyone else to even have a  prayer. 

  

You also taught me that for every thing I did wrong, the value of my soul would shrink and nothing could every make it better. 

  

You'd never think it, but listening to your hateful words about your brothers and parents taught me that your saying you 'loved' someone meant nothing. 

  

I learned that there was no point in telling anyone that you were mean because no one would believe me or care because you told me so. 

  

A little older and a big, yet innocent, mistake later and you taught me that even horrible criminals would think I deserved to die and they would want to kill me if they knew and would kill me if I were older. 

  

That Christmas you taught me that I was not worth as much as anyone else in the family. 

  

During these years  you taught me that everything had to be done exactly how you said to do it even if it was harder your way and didn't make sense and didn't even matter how the bathroom sink was  cleaned so long as it got cleaned… 

  

Then we moved and you were around a lot more. 

  

And I learned that you got mad at me for daring to sleep when you were mad at me for something else. 

  

I learned that anything that made you unhappy could be my fault. 

  

I learned that I could get in trouble for not knowing what you wanted me to do even if you never told me. 

  

I learned that I would be in worse trouble if someone helped me do something you had secretly planned as punishment. 

  

I learned that being darn good wasn't good enough - I had to be the best and I had to remember I was  nothing at the same time. 

  

I learned that if I ever had the audacity to speak like I had a claim on something you promised me, you would take it away so I would know better. 

  

So I learned not to want or expect anything because it would just be used against me. 

  

I learned to convince myself that I must be nothing - a slave - for if a slave, then nothing wrong could be done against me since, by definition, a slave has no rights to violate in the first place. 

  

I learned that you loved the animals more than you loved me, even though you could make them yelp and scream and cry like you couldn't get away with doing to us. 

  

I learned how to manage full time school, work, caring for a bed-ridden mother, three younger siblings, cleaning the house, shopping, cooking, driving any and all to appointments, and well as maintaining my own spiritual state through church activity, all at the age of twenty. 

  

I learned all this while I was also expected to somehow be a professional painter with no realistic help and that if I dared get overwhelmed that I would somehow sink even lower than rock bottom in standing. 

  

I was terrified to learn that all you had to do was tell me 'something' I had done for a low-down, heartless, selfish, cold, dark reason and I would not only believe you, but I would forget what I had really done and why I had done it. 

  

I learned that my health was of no concern to any of you.  

  

I learned that you would be furious if I dared talk to anyone about how overwhelmed and stressed I was because that reflected badly on you. 

  

Therefore I learned, once again, that I didn't matter. 

  

I learned that if I behaved any way other than you thought proper that I was shaming you, even if it was an emotional outburst related to recent trauma. 

  

You taught me that Jesus despised me and that turning to God in prayer was slothful on my part. 

  

You taught me that if something wasn't working then I must not have done my best. Never-mind the fact that no-one is capable of actually doing everything. 

  

So I guess I learned that if anything was not succeeding then it was my fault. 

  

In fact, I even learned that life almost got easier if I just accepted fault for everything and anything that anyone was upset about. Because then, if it was my fault, I could fix it and they wouldn't be mad at me anymore. And there would be a reason to my existence. 

  

I learned that mom had considered divorce up till I was five and often couldn't wait till you went out of town again so that the fragile stability she maintained in your absence could be restored. 

  

I learned that it was safer to not let anything show on my face since I was always getting in trouble for the thoughts you were telling me I was having. It's a good thing you didn't know as much as you thought you did… 

  

I learned that even if I managed to do 'better' at just about everything, it was only treading water and to do less than best left me in the red. 

  

I learned that you would stop at nothing to keep your control. 

  

I learned that you wanted me so isolated, I would get in trouble for confiding in my own sibling or a teacher/bishop. 

  

I learned after mom died that you only thought mom was considering divorce for the first year of your marriage and you disregarded the lifelong story where mom had known I was waiting to be born as her desperate attempts to preserve your marriage. 

  

I learned that I could get in trouble for being so selfish that I was not doing my siblings' chores. 

  

I learned that you trained the family so well that my siblings knew they could use me as a scapegoat to get out of trouble themselves. 

  

I learned that you knew you were being unreasonable and you just didn't care. 

  

I learned that you not only had no care for my physical well-being, you were doubly willing to endanger it to lessen my dignity so you could get a laugh. 

  

I finally learned that it would never matter how hard I tried, how much I gave, how well I kept all of your arbitrary, multiplying demands  - it would never be enough. 

  

So I left. 

  

Since then, I have also learned. 

  

I learned that you betrayed yourself far more than you may ever realize and would ever admit. 

  

I learned that you think love means satisfying your expectations and that you've brought your own stupid misery on yourself.  No wonder you never feel loved and I could never do enough because every time a demand gets met, the love expires and the next unmet expectation is the only one that matters. 

  

I learned that I was not the lazy one - you were. 

  

I learned that all the things that never occurred to me but that you blamed me for 'thinking' had to have come from your own head. 

  

I remembered you scoffing at a crying child and mocking her with the words, "What are you going to do, tell the Bishop I'm emotionally abusing you?" Years before I had any clue to what that even meant... 

  

I learned that you are the selfish and self-centered one. 

  

I learned that even though you expect everyone you come in contact with to think you're the smartest person they know, you're not nearly as smart as you think you are. 

  

I realized that you gave into having me because it was you who feared divorce but at some point you must have realized my birth didn't accomplish your intended purpose so the unwanted child became the despised child. 

  

I realized that for all you complained of how much money you had to spend on me, I saved you far more than you've ever considered and my debt has been more than paid in full. 

  

I have learned that even if I was born to you and even if our religion believes in forever families, I do not have to stay with you and that does not compromise my immortal standings one bit. You have more than lost your right to me. 

  

I have even learned some of what you did to mom. But I will leave that to stay between you and God. Fair warning - you can't hide the truth from Him.  

  

I tell you this because I have been learning all along since I left that you haven't been changing. You are only targeting others. 

  

I have always thought that you consider yourself too sophisticated to be physically abusive. And as early memory proves - you either think emotional abuse illegitimate or you figure no one is smart enough to recognize what you are doing. Indeed, many are quite naive. But many are not, and tearing apart a person's identity, spirit and mind does greater violence that a simple fist can ever do. 

  

Ultimately, I have learned that you are pathetic. 

Smeagol vs Gollum; Merlin vs Morgana

You know those projects that you just stare at because the thought of starting them is so overwhelming? Well, I had this thought that if I put in the next Lord of the Rings movie (Two Towers - my favorite!), I might find it an easier prospect. [Transferring the mosaic laid out on cardboard to a board with the cement glue... It's my first one, so I'm nervous I'll mess it up with how small I made the pieces... Memo for next time - use bigger pieces...] I started the first disc and ate my dinner after realizing I'd get too confused if I tried to expand the size/gaps in between the pieces and found myself pondering a completely different topic and ignoring the mosaic. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that it's another one of those multiple sources and thoughts converging into one. I took notes of my thoughts in my phone, didn't bother to watch the second disc yet (I wouldn't want to be distracted during the humor of Legolas and Gimli, after all!) and came to the computer where family history distracted me again. But here I am now, phone at the ready and a web of ideas to lay out for you.

The thoughts started as a combining of random sources bringing to mind the role of agency - how our choices determine our destinies inasmuch as the paths we take determine our ultimate destinations. The more wisdom and care we apply when making our choices will do much to indicate where we end up. With that in the background, I found myself considering Gollum in a different way. I'd always been a bit disturbed (still am, truth be told) by Sam's blatant antagonism of Gollum and how dear, sweet, wise Sam couldn't see that Frodo's anxiousness that Gollum could be redeemed was really his own concern that he would/was falling to the evil ring's power. This pity is even more brought forward as we watch the split-personality of Smeagol begin to fight off the wicked drivings of Gollum. But then I recalled something that I don't think is well known. Most are aware, I believe, that split-personalities tends to indicate past trauma in the individual's life, but being an uncommon situation, I think many don't realize that the person consciously seeks the splitting as a way to cope. It's a choice. (At least for the initial split. I haven't thought to ask beyond that...)

As Gollum taunts Smeagol about how he will be betrayed, that 'they'll cheat you, hurt you, lie to you' finally ending with 'nobody likes you', I found myself wondering what caused the split. What was the trauma that Smeagol couldn't handle on his own? The third movie makes it clear that he was ostracized because his greed caused him to murder his friend, so to say he'd been horribly wronged doesn't really fit. But then I remembered Loki and Thor and The Avengers. Loki hadn't been wronged and yet, in his mind, his actions were perfectly justified because of how he chose to interpret events. It is also how my family chose to see me as the source of all problems even as I was in relative form a house-elf. So, returning to the 'cheating, hurting, lying', this seems the basis for Gollum's hatred and anger self-justification. Ownership of the ring and citizenship in the Shire were both his right in his mind, so to be banished from the latter because he killed for the former would twist into being cheated. Also, he'd see Bilbo's winning of the ring as a cheat. Smeagol then had a hard life in the course of the consequences of his banishment with the most recent torture at the hands of Sauron's minions seeking the ring. Hence the 'hurt you'. Finally, the one who chooses to turn to anger and hate has no patience of compassion for the frailties of others or circumstances which interfere with stated intentions. He has no inclinations to forgive any perceived slight to himself and so it all becomes 'lies'.

In the stories I know of split personalities, there is usually a weak, protected, identity, and a strong protector identity. This translates to Smeagol as the weak one and Gollum as the protector. The thing is, Gollum as protector is like an abuser/victim relationship where the weak one can't imagine life being possible without what little support, abusive though it may be, the abuser provides. And since Smeagol is by no means an innocent, this gives the Gollum identity more to use in posing for strength over Smeagol. I suppose one could go into a discussion of id, ego, super-ego and say that Smeagol was lacking in the super-ego conscience factor, but I only know a couple split-stories and neither of them follow that pattern. What it does suggest to me, however, is the nature of the bully-coward, happy to hide behind the stronger entity as an easy excuse for their actions. That like the war-criminals seeking to claim that they were only following orders.

The good news is that in Smeagol's turning to Frodo (pre-Faramir), it proves that there is hope for the good to be found even in a long-mired soul. Smeagol had many opportunities to kill Frodo but saved his life more than once. I tried to consider that it could just be he didn't think he could get away with anything with Sam there (as Sam, himself, would see it) but that fails to take into account how Smeagol also showed joy and gave the gift of food and acted on trust when Frodo called to him. The good was there if he would choose to act on it even if things got rough. Sadly, he didn't. The bully has a weak spirit and when circumstances made him hurt, Gollum was quick to return and call it a lie. Rather than accept that more was going on, even when he later had the proof of it, he chose to remain Gollum and full of hate and malice.

It has always troubled me when I come across a character who has been wounded by life and chooses to turn dark for it. I remember a multi-page journal entry after watching The Phantom of the Opera the first time being so upset that a boy abused and set free was not then nurtured into healthy patterns, but left alone to develop in as twisted a manner as his outward form. Quasimodo is proof that the story could have been different. But then, it simply proves the point of Gollum and Smeagol. We choose our attitudes, our responses, our motivations, our destinations. White Collar's Neal Caffrey doesn't need coddled to turn his life as a con-man around, he just needs the Frodo opportunity. Nor does he need to be condemned forever as would the Samwise response. He just needs the chance and to make the choice.

I mentioned in a previous post that I have been watching BBC's Merlin. Morgana (read Morgan leFay) is Merlin's nemesis and the story has to hold to that, but in this version, she starts out as friend and good person. But then she learns she has magic (an automatic death-warrant if King Uther finds out) and in her fear, she turns to hate. She becomes Gollum. At one point Merlin, himself magical, points out to his one confidant that he actually has someone to guide and help him where she, the king's ward, sees herself as having no one. And yet Merlin is the Quasimodo to prove her twisting hatred wrong. While he can't tell her his secret, he does tell her that she can choose to use her powers for good, even being in such danger. But she has no desire to listen for she has chosen how she will see things. She has chosen to look to pride and seek vengeance against a reality she doesn't like rather than considering how to work within a flawed reality for the good of all. And, ultimately, she falls because of it.

Merlin, who is good of heart and in just as much danger as Prince Arthur's servant, is constantly using his forbidden gifts to follow his conscience while repeatedly saving those who would kill him with the very powers for which they would kill him. Many project their own natures on him, accusing him of intending to use his powers/position to gain power and influence for himself, but he is not ruled by pride. He is willing to accept that sometimes things go wrong and sometimes that means the innocent suffers. Rather than lashing out in hatred, he seeks to find the best way through for all involved.

The news is full of such stories that I'm frequently reminding of 2 Timothy 3 (perilous times shall be - good old seminary scripture mastery rhymes!) and D&C 88:91.

 91 And all things shall be in commotion; and surely, men’s hearts shall fail them; for fear shall come upon all people.

The news feed on my weather app is full of stories of people choosing to be Gollums and Morganas. But that is not the only choice. It's not often the easiest road, but there is such much more dignity in being the Merlin. And the most dignified part about Merlin is how his choices enable dignity for others as well. Let us all be Merlin.