Friday, August 16, 2013

"That there should be no schism in the body..."

I have clearly been remiss in keeping up w/ the blog. Truth is, I have been greatly preoccupied in considering an upcoming move, overwhelmed with an influx of the neighborhood garden excess (somehow I'm a critical step in the off-loading process even though I'm harvesting from a simple garden of my own...), and dealing with exhaustion in general from a continuing valley in the overall health state. Writing just hasn't been the highest on my priority list and trouble concentrating beyond the rest has left me with insufficient brain-power to care to focus on any blog-post subject for the time it would take to get one out.

After a couple more big cooking projects to try to use up some of the monster zucchinis that keep showing up on my door-step like morning manna, I'm also quite exhausted today. I'm supposed to be more careful with how long I stand, but between the zucchini recipe and the cookies (hey - after all these veggie dishes, you'd want a treat, too) I kinda pushed the limit. After the previous veggie cook-up (14 cups worth!) I was out of it for two days. Actually fairly out of it right now - you just can't see how many times I zone out while typing before posting.

So why am I sharing the personal? Why am I showing how even a basic project for a few hours (I'm following instructions after all) leaves me so wiped? Why am I even telling you that my life is so limited by health issues that the doctors can only recognize but can't explain or fix? Issues that almost have me house bound. Why even tell you something like that? Why presume you'd even care to hear about it?

Believe it or not, there is actually a purpose. I'm hoping I can focus well enough on it even now because it's a thought that's been percolating in the back of my mind in general and directly applicable to what's been going on in my world of late.

As I said at the beginning, I'm preparing to move in the next couple of months. I have some basic ideas to what I want but I'm not completely sure how to make it work (Heavenly Father will have to do that) or what/how I need to approach it to get what I want out of the move. I don't want to be so isolated anymore but in a ward full of grandparents and in the city of the hated past where I'm always on the watch to avoid interactions with people who'd unknowingly stir it back up, I'm kind of living in my own quiet corner, keeping to myself. But I don't want that to be my life for the foreseeable future.

I want to have people my age to interact with. I want to be close enough to activities and life so that, finally having friends again, I can have to support to be part of life again. I want to be in a situation to try to follow my dreams even though my health's such an unpredictable roller-coaster I can't really guarantee how much I can do or when I can do it. I want to be able to make a difference in the world, see the world, and reach out to people with truth through story and the gospel and I can't bear the thought of sitting around waiting for the doctors to figure it out before I start. I've had blessings say they'll manage it and fix it, but I've finally realized that none of them said when that would happen.

And so it occurs that maybe I can find a place to volunteer. Maybe, by not being an employee, they won't have the pressure of expectations for pay and I won't have the pressure of trying to meet them even if I keep crashing and have to rest. Maybe that will mean they'll have patience with the fact that I don't know much about the film industry and so I can pick things up until the docs do get it straightened out. And then I'd have experience and contacts/references to help me move forward with actual employment.

Only, I've been having enough trouble that I've needed help getting home from church next door one out of every two weeks. I have things I need to do before moving and I don't have enough energy or focus. I don't want to bother people needing enough rides (losing focus and dizzy spells mean driving would be a bad idea...) to do everything since I crash every time I go out. (Note, 'crash' regards to blood pressure falling and muscles not responding and insane sudden weakness/light-headed-ness. Not in reference to driving...)

Are you surprised I've been a bit overwhelmed and even discouraged? How can I imagine that life will be any different when I move? How can I think I can make a difference when I can't even get out on my own to interact with people? How can my life have as much potential now as when my body actually managed to function? What could Heavenly Father actually do with me in this state? Wouldn't/Aren't I just being a burden on everyone? Because I'll clearly need some serious help to do what I'm hoping to. (Those last two questions most indicative of lingering home negativity and abuse...)

I'll tell you something, though. Once I realized that the fear and doubt and discouragement were the opposite of the Lord's purposes (go figure who that indicates...) I was able to recognize how much I have already been helped. I was able to feel the confidence and encouragement and assurance that things actually will pull together. I may not know how. I may not know exactly where it will take me. But once I started seeing the hope, the stress has dropped by half. I'm still super exhausted and I still have much to determine, but the Lord has a purpose even for me.

This brings me to the thought in the back of my head. In 1 Corinthians 12, it talks about the gifts of the Spirit and how we are all part of the body of Christ (metaphorically speaking) and how the body best functions when all the different parts are represented rather than every part being the same. A body of feet couldn't eat. A body of eyes would never get anywhere. A bunch of bones would become a dust heap, and ligaments and tendons are pointless without bones and muscles. The parallels can go as deep as our current understanding of physiology.

Paul is writing this epistle to two sets of people. To those who condemn others for being of less value than they imagine themselves to be. And to those who fear that they are less than others due to the happenstance of their placement in life.

The pituitary glands are said to be the size of grains of rice, yet they have direct influence on how my body (mis-) manages my blood pressure. I am very anxious for the small things that aren't functioning properly to be found and remedied to return the level of activity I previously enjoyed. I care about them because of how they affect me.

But God does not consider our value quite the same way. I've already considered this concept in how I see others and wishing they saw their value, but I'm beginning to consider that and how it actually applies to me. Maybe it's a bit harder for me as I didn't have the benefit of being loved, or appreciated beyond my Cinderella services, at home. Or that dad repeatedly made it clear I had no right to expect or even hope for indications of value, self-worth. Maybe one of the lessons I'm meant to get out of learning to deal with this seriously annoying health situation is not just to ask for and accept help, but that needing help doesn't mean I am lacking. It just is what it is and as I have part in this life, I have just as much right to help and love and purpose and direction as I'd see in every other child of God. Even if things aren't working perfectly. And if God loves and wants to help me because He does, it seems I have no need to feel guilt for imagining and hoping and expecting that He will.

1 comment:

  1. Wow. That is some serious insight you just wrote. You summed it up beautifully in that last paragraph, and I won't say anything else because I don't want to detract from that.

    I will say that we need to chat. I want to hear about your move/volunteer opportunity. How exciting!!