Thoughts on Escaping an Abusive Environment, Part 1

A couple weeks ago I had a conversation on twitter with a local newspaper. They have been running a series on signs of domestic abuse and how to help youth beware. I responded that I wished the issues of emotional and psychological abuse were included because, while they may be mentioned, they are never talked about in terms such that the public actually grasps the equally damaging and dangerous reality. There are many similarities to physical forms of violence often not recognized because the differences are rarely accepted.

That probably sounds absurd. This is a common reaction when this subject is dared to be discussed.

I have recently discovered the ion TV channel and found I quite enjoy the Criminal Minds show. One of the episodes last week (too new to the show on reruns to be able to tell you which one by season and name) was about a woman who killed her husband. The prosecutor asked the behavior analyst people to come in and prove competency for facing full charges because she intended to argue against the 'battered woman' defense plea. As the show progresses, certain details come to light.

The woman is despised by her children who adore their father. 'If anyone has been victimized, it was him - he was always patient with her. She's just a lazy, hateful, dirty, stupid woman.' The problem is, when they examined the crime scene, the house was so beyond spotless that everything was (and had been) measured to perfection by a ruler. The son condemned her for never attending his games. She confessed that she was such a failure, she didn't want to embarrass him in public as well. The final piece of info that changed the prosecutor's mind? (Remember, it's a 45 minute show so highly simplified.) They asked her to tell of the events after the murder. Did she call 911 immediately? No. Why? She had to clean up. To hide the evidence? No. Her husband would have been furious with her if she'd had people over with such a mess about.

Don't get me wrong. I am in no way endorsing such a 'solution' for escaping an abusive environment. I am, however, hoping to show that while physical/sexual abuse is obviously horrible, abuse of the mind and spirit is equally hideous and even more insidious because it enslaves the victims into non-being right under everyone's noses. It makes the victims chain themselves because the abuser has so distorted the victim's understanding of reality that they accept the abuser's right to dictate all 'truth'.

Society lets them because the means used are, in moderation, considered acceptable interactions. 'Teasing' when no other form of communication or validation beyond belittling, condemning, criticizing, railing, etc... becomes no longer playful but a cover to hide behind so they can express exactly what was intended with an 'out' so the abuser can't be condemned for being so cruel. 'Can't you take a joke?!' I can't even remember all the times I tried telling people the latest sting/cut/wound and they'd blow it off because 'we say things like that, too - what's your problem?' It confused me and reinforced the idea that I was alone and had nowhere to go.

It was years before I perceived that the people who dismissed me did so because the context was vastly different. They couldn't conceive that a person in a 'family culture' could actually be in a situation where they ONLY heard condemnation. Where 'I love you' was an empty band-aid meant to convince everyone that nothing is actually wrong, be it self or other, private or public. That the same man who 'apparently' (I never witnessed it) boasted about his daughter in public never once told her to her face that she had accomplished anything worthy of affection or pride but instead demanded the world and condemned her for not including the solar system as well.

My dad knew he couldn't get away with physically hurting me. I would know that was wrong and there would be evidence to prove it. Instead, the man who insisted he was smarter than anyone we'd ever meet, used words and contrivances to manipulate and break down. That will sound an excessive claim to those who have not experienced it themselves. It is true non-the-less. He admitted it himself in one of his last middle-of-the-night four-hour-long lecture/threat sessions. "I learned long ago that I need to break you into tears and then I can make you do what I want." Shortly followed by his admission that my ability to later choose my own choices after time had passed frustrated him to no end. I know what I'm talking about.

I don't mean to detail my own experiences here. I've touched on them in various forms in various blogs past. I've spent over a decade trying to understand what happened at home. Over time, I came across information that my dad's abuse was not so circumspect against my mom. I've also seen what his actions have meant for more than one sister who has found herself in a subsequent abusive relationship (physically and sexually). I have been highly aware of other stories (case-studies, in my mind, are what all stories are) to watch and learn and better understand what happens and why. So when the journalist said another follow-up article on how to escape abuse might be considered, I began to take notes. Even if they don't run such an article, I will write of it anyway: this needs to be talked about.

Writings from 2011: Considering the Constitution and Slavery

I have heard a number of people complain and condemn the Constitution of the United States for permitting and even safe-guarding the institution of slavery for the following 20 years. 'Surely this is proof that the Founding Fathers weren't nearly as great as people claim!' 'Of course they'd protect it - look how many were slave-owners themselves?!' I've often wondered if those people have ever actually given the situation any serious thought.

While I wonder if people recognize how many different forms slavery can take, it is true that the idea of slavery is hated by many in this modern day. There were even some who hated it back then. But slavery was also part of their culture just as it has been across cultures from the beginning of written histories. And it provided the basis of economy for the southern colonies.

Then consider that these colonies had temporarily joined forces with each other to fight off their mother country and claim their own freedom. Against all odds. It was not an easy fight. And war weakens all who participate. Some might even consider the colonies ripe for the picking.

The only way to ensure their hard won freedom would be maintainable was to band together and form an alliance of sorts. They created an early version of the united States and a simple authority system to direct any combined armies should it become necessary. But they ran into trouble pretty quickly. Because the states were, in essence, individual countries with their own right to rule, there was no legal means to gain funding for the simple allied government or military force.

The conventions met because some leaders from each state saw the problem and sought to fix it. Many of the states had little interest but those who did participate had two basic purposes. One - to determine if a better alliance, or union, was possible; two - to protect the interests of their nation-state if it was.

Perhaps it is becoming clearer what problems the situation of slavery presented. Every other element of the agreement we now call the Constitution was debated into the ground. Managing to hammer out every detail to the approval of such different governing bodies was a miracle in and of itself, especially as it was hand-crafted to try to prevent all the troubles they had faced as colonies and before. No government in their existence was like it. They were breaking completely new ground and their greatest minds were giving their all to try to make it work.

But had the issue of slavery been forced, it would have failed. It was too divisive. 80 years later it nearly tore our country in two. Moral or not, had that judgment been required then, there would have been no United States. Instead, the drafters of the Constitution tabled it for 20 years ensuring at least that much time to solidify the nation.

It was not an easy process getting the Constitution approved by the people of the separate states. Many approved of it only on condition that a bill of right be added. These amendments are, in essence, the post-script.

I do not speak to the roughly 60 years after 1808, before the Civil War, when slavery was legally addressable. Those for and against it were active during that time period. You are free to judge how you will. It is my belief, however, that the Founders recognized that their culture was not yet ready to handle that issue. Their own personal positions aside, they instead focused on what they could do, giving us a solid political foundation and framework. For that, I am grateful.